Why Blog?Why blog? I used to believe I had Wisdom to share. I actually do have some pretty good insight with others. Especially when I am emotionally removed from a situation. I am sure Wisdom is in there, she is just a little lost right now.

I think I enjoy writing because there is so much going on in my mind. It feels as if may just explode if I don’t empty a few thoughts now and again. I also can see things more clearly when I write them down. So, welcome…unless you’re a troll. They can just go away.

Other Levels of Conscience

Taping into God’s power, without God.

Over the last five years, I explored things of this world that I was not previously open to. I started exploring meditation while I was trying to heal my mind. I watched videos by a buddhist monk explaining the supernatural and scientific power behind meditation and likewise I began to practice mindfulness. Both of these practices were helpful (shock and awe). The help was temporary but it did help. 

It gets even better (sarcasm). I was watching the medium Tyler Henry thinking, maybe these aren’t evil spirits helping him deceive these grieving people. How could I be so naive you ask? All of these things are about opening yourself up to the “nevel” (next level of conscience). Ok, I just made up the word “nevel” but seriously, there is a next level. As Christians, we already knew that.

Our King is in the Spiritual Realm and so are his Angels. Remember who else resides there? Deceptive Spirits whose main goal is to stop as many people from coming to our King as they can before the Day of Judgment. Spirits who have not only studied us and our parents but our grandparents and so on. You may think that Kingdom Realm is far away, in the clouds but it’s here, on Earth. 

A Powerful Revelation

How did I miss this?

Many years ago I sat by my best friend as she awaited her youngest, her fourth born child, her 8 month old, who was in surgery to remove his cancerous eye. We were at Children’s Hospital.  I was in a good place with God at that time. Or at least compared to my life up to this point. As the weeks passed, I watched my best friend, an amazing woman and servant of God, struggle to comfort her son. The swelling and pain from this child’s now empty eye socket was heartbreaking and gut wrenching. Though her faith never wavered, I could not understand so I demanded answers from God. Was this how YOU reward YOUR faithful servants? I ran from God. I basically gave the evil spirits their spiritual Ace. If I turned away from God over my friends’ child’s cancer, how could that not be ammunition? 

Then, I lost a sister in Christ whom I adored. Once again I could not wrap my mind around it. She was our 30 years old Worship and Youth Leader. She was serving God, she was healthy, she had only been married a few years and just recently found out she was pregnant with her second child. Doors were starting to open for her in her acting career. Her husband was our Youth Pastor. Her funeral was an amazing and joyful celebration of life. I kept hearing, “she won the race”, or “I am jealous she got to Heaven first” or “being sad is selfish because she is in a better place”. Really typical Church-ian lingo but I could not see it that way and I can’t say things I don’t mean to appease other Christians who want to dismiss my legitimate right to be sad over this great loss for our realm. This man went to bed without his wife and their two year old wondered where her mom was. I did not see God’s love, protection or grace for that family. My doubts were planted and ready for watering. Hey evil, here’s your wild card. 

E for Effort?

My best apart from Jesus wasn’t enough.

Several years later, the Ace was played. At the height of my walk (up until that point at least), my same friend sat with me as I awaited my youngest, my fourth born child, my 13 year old, as she underwent surgery related to her cancer. Hers wasn’t in her eye but, behind her eye. Now, if you are familiar with the blogs I published as a book about that time of my life, I didn’t walk away in that part of my journey. I couldn’t have lived through that without Him. But, my faith was fractured for sure. Not only was I serving Him with all my heart and leading many to His Kingdom but I was volunteering for World Vision and Slavery No More. And my daughter was also devoted and volunteered with me. Not bragging, just trying to convey that our commitment was full time.   

Where I Went Wrong

Healing the mind is more important than healing the body.

I should have taken time to heal. I needed to process the year we spent in a cancer ward for children who were being poisoned in hopes of saving them. Days that I watched my daughter suffering, dying in slow motion right before me and knew tomorrow would be worse. Do you know why? Because they are killing the cancer and the child with chemotherapy. I was grateful she was ultimately saved but I couldn’t pretend she didn’t ask me why God wouldn’t just let her die cause she couldn’t take the pain anymore. But I did not give my heart and mind time to heal. Instead I continued on in leadership, calling the evil ones out when I co-authored a teaching about underestimating our Enemy. 

Within weeks of that conference, that wild card was played. My entire spiritual support system was viciously dismantled. Is it merely ironic that my main point of my teaching was the importance of having a strong spiritual support system around us when we are weakened because the Enemy is on the prowl? Those fractures in my faith could not support that weight of losing so many vital people at the same time. So there I was back to judging God for not being the God I thought He should be. Apparently, I knew better. 

Victory was theirs. I mean, I called them out, naive to the patient and strategic plan that was playing out around me. They waited until I thought they were out of cards and bam! Next thing you know, my mind was turned against God and I was on the wrong side of the war. My doubts led to anger, my anger to sin. My iniquity led to more confusion, my confusion led to even deeper pain. That level of pain led to a shame that ultimately tainted every thought. If I am this lost, then maybe I was never truly found? Do you see how deep all this goes? 

Get To The Point Already!

Ok, let me wrap this up.

I knew we were spiritual beings. Meditation is said to heal the mind by opening myself up to the spiritual realm, or nevel. Now, as a people in fellowship with Jesus, we do that in prayer. We are opening ourselves up to the supernatural spiritual realm everytime we pray. I only felt the need to do that because I wasn’t praying anymore.  

Mindfulness seems less harmful. After all, it is just a Hindu teaching about staying present with your current situation or vipassana

Which means insight inspired by opening yourself to the spiritual realm. You are just controlling your emotions by seeing the bigger picture, or the spiritual picture. Isn’t controlling your emotions and looking at the bigger picture a good thing? Yes. But good doesn’t equal God. Without Christ, you can only open yourself up to the same spiritual ones whose entire life goal is to keep you from God. 

Looking back, I was a prisoner of war. That time in my life was so vital to my new mission, my new mind. I have a new heart for the lost, a new compassion for those prisoners still being brainwashed by their captors. It is an awful hell on Earth that I needed to experience in order to truly see the bigger picture. After all, seeing the bigger picture only matters when you are looking at a true picture. So picture this; my King Jesus is on the throne of my heart where there is no longer confusion or doubt.

Most of the world would have you believe that every picture is true. Every idea of God is the right idea, except for us. We are the hateful ones (just like in God’s Favorite Idiot on Netflix). So, I ask you, what picture are you looking at? Does it align with THE Truth, God’s Truth? It’s a fair question since an eternity with God, without love, is a pretty big thing to risk over a closed and prideful mind.