Someone recommended that I check out the story of Job by The Bible Project. I did and it was very helpful. It is on YouTube if you are interested but the storytelling style works well with my ADHD and although brief, the narrator summarizes the story and it’s message nicely.
There was a correlation that I made between the story of Job and the story I am living now that has added a new dimension to my perspective. Early in the Book of Job we are shown God holding court in the Heavenly Realms and Satan approached him. I won’t recap that conversation again as I have in past blogs but the storyteller reminds me of something I had not thought about. Satan stands for “The Accuser”.
As the story moves along, Job also becomes God’s accuser as he states that God is unjust.
22 It is all one; therefore I say, he destroys both the blameless and the wicked.
23 When disaster brings sudden death, he mocks at the calamity* of the innocent.
24 The earth is given into the hand of the wicked; he covers the eyes of its judges—
if it is not he, who then is it?
It is at this moment that I realized my part in this story right now, The Accuser. I have become God’s accuser. One would think that the very thought would drop me to my knees in fear and reverence and although I cried when I came to the realization, I am still struggling to trust. You see, in Job’s day, when God chose to remain silent, (still don’t understand that part), The Holy Spirit was not given to us yet. Once the Holy Spirit was sent, we were promised strength in our weakness and comfort in our trials. I asked for both and received silence. For me, His promise was broken and I can not pretend otherwise.
I wish it was as easy as flipping a switch and turning off these doubts and this overwhelming sense of rejection, but I can’t. I miss God and what we had but I miss a lot of people. I miss my old church but the church I knew is dead. It was a body of people who all loved God with their whole heart and as a result loved each other the same. They reached out to the lost and went after those who fell a stray or were wounded. They served each other in ministry and in life. It was beautiful but it’s gone. I hope…. well, that’s it, I hope. That is a start.