I haven’t written in so long. Why, you may ask? Maybe it’s because I haven’t been myself in so long that I am not sure my words will be encouraging. Or perhaps I am not as trusting of my thoughts. Yet, here I am now, feeling drawn back to one of my great loves, writing.
So I openly share with you my hurt, my confusion and my overall disappointment. There I have said it, I am disappointed. Although I talk about hard times and trials, I have found the constant pain exhausting. I know that my daughter’s cancer changed me just as all the trials before me had. But this one, this one altered my sense of being safe in my Father’s arms. I often hear people talk about having faith and hope. I have talked about faith in many blogs but hope; hope I am struggling with.
Hope is resting in the fact that God is in control. This should bring us peace right? I know God was in control when my baby was diagnosed with cancer. I know He has never stopped being in control. Not when I was molested as a child, raped as a teen or abused as a wife. This may sound like a pity party but please bear with me. My mom’s hope didn’t stop me from suffering at the hands of the evil one and my hope didn’t stop my daughter from suffering through chemo and radiation. Hope, to me, is about looking forward to an eternity without suffering, past this world. That is great and it does bring me joy but not enough to stomp out my anxiety about what God may allow us to suffer next.
Right now, my life feels upside down. My church has been through a horrific loss again, but this one was different. When we have lost people to death, we found comfort in the hope of Heaven but when we lose people to lies and deception, it feels as if we lost them to the Evil one. Where is the comfort in that? I know God can restore and that is my prayer but I would be lying if I said my hope wasn’t further damaged by this betrayal.
Overall, I realize I am not in a good place and so this may not be what you were expecting to read from me but I have always attempted to remain transparent. I have been in much worse places for sure, and I am grateful God has not allowed me to fall into utter despair or to run away from Him as I have before. I am requesting prayer, prayer for my healing. Please pray for TyAnn as she has her follow up scans Friday. Please pray from my family as they are kind of in this place with me. Please pray for my Church as we try to heal and rebuild. I want to find a hope that brings me joy but even more so, I want each of you to find a hope that brings you joy.

God Bless and don’t forget to cherish each moment.

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