Let’s Get Deeper

Yesterday, I was writing a blog for roughly an hour when the screen glitched, cleared everything that was written and provided an error message. I was frustrated, appalled and then laughed as, what else could I really do? I am not sure I could recreate the entire thing even if I wanted to but I can remember and share some of the things I learned.

Massive Trigger


Rejection is a massive trigger for me. It is a massive trigger for most people with BDP(Borderline Personality Disorder), which makes sense as many of us also have traumatic childhoods. My earliest rejection was by my schizophrenic father on the day of my birth. It would continue throughout my childhood with many father figures. I remember praying for a father as a child but it just wasn’t “in the cards” for me.

I experienced rejection within my race, where I didn’t fit in. I experienced it within the African American communities where I grew up, the people with whom I felt most comfortable and at church where I was the “bad kid”. About eight years ago one of my childhood best friends got married and decided to move on with her life and reject my friendship altogether, along with the relationships with my mother and children. It was as if all the years we shared as a family meant nothing. I poured everything I had and was into this person and when I was no longer needed, I was discarded like yesterday’s trash.

It has always been a common factor for me but I also realize that I am the common denominator in these situations, thus the deeper issue is my rejection of self. This is also something I am exploring as I work through my BDP. However, being rejected from my Heavenly Father is more than my psyche can bear. I mean God loves everyone so I should be a shoo-in there.

Reality or Perception?


I guess the question is, did He really reject me? My definition of rejection is- being ignored, avoided or just cutting someone out completely. Good Therapy defined it this way-“Rejection can be defined as the act of pushing someone or something away.” I for sure feel all of these things.

So was God in fact rejecting me? Is He doing that now? To try and understand God, I will go back to the very story that disturbs me, the story of Job. Was God rejecting Job when He remained silent during Job’s great losses, his deep grief and grave physical suffering? I honestly don’t know, I would say yes if you asked me. The scriptures didn’t even address His silence other than to reprimand Job for questioning God. So, I am at a loss. I see rejection. I don’t see a loving Father or Protector in this story.

Seeking Wisdom


Perhaps one of you can help me out. Do you see a Father’s love or protection in what God did to Job. Actually, my real question is, do you see a loving Father in God’s silence and then harsh response to Job during his darkest hours? I need other perspectives here. I am hoping there is another way to look at this which I can’t see in this broken place.

4 comments

  1. Thank you for your honesty Becky. You have an amazing gift to communicate intense feelings, I can almost feel your pain in my heart as I read each of your words. And I can’t help but to grieve with you and I know many who read your posts, (I know of at least 3 people), mourn with you because we care deeply for you.

    I also want to thank you for asking your readers for different perspectives, because in my situation, I actually was PREPARED to persevere and continue to trust in my heavenly Father when by GOD’s sovereign yet perfect will, HE willed for me to go through severe emotional suffering, tremendous injustice done to me, and yes even during His silence and the aftermath pain that lingers for many years. I was able to persevere precisely because I knew how the book of Job ends: Restoration (Job 42:10), GOD blessing Job financially (Job 42:10) but more importantly God blessing Job’s life tremendously with regards to enjoying life to the fullest with his children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren even to the 4th generation (Job 42:12; 42:16). So, I give God thanks for the life of Job and I am so thankful that Job’s story is told in GOD’s word. If it weren’t for this book, I would have ended up hating GOD or at the very least not trusting Him during the most painful emotional suffering I have ever experienced, especially because that suffering was in part as a result of my obedience to Him and yet it resulted in a great injustice perpetuated against me, one that I never thought would even be possible. When I was going through this, it all sounded pretty much like what Job went through so reading Job over and over was so helpful to me in persevering in faith through one of the most painful seasons of my life.

    This doesn’t mean I did not fall many times. There were major faith issues I had to overcome.

    FIRST, there was a big difference between Job and I. Job was “blameless and upright; he feared GOD and shunned evil” (Job 1:1), and the sad reality was and continues to be that I am not like Job. So, my only doubt was this: Will my ending be like Job’s? Or will my ending be what my sins deserve: severe punishment and destruction by a Holy God (Galatians 6:7). So I had to remind myself and trust what GOD’s words says: that we are made righteous by faith in Jesus: “This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe” (Romans 3:22); so I had to persevere in faith and believe what GOD says about all those who believe, that I was a righteous man like Job, not because of my own obedience but through the obedience of my savior and Lord Jesus Christ who knew no sin yet was made to “be sin for us so that in him we might become the righteousness of God” (2 Cor 5:21). This helped me preserve through the most pain I’ve ever experienced having the hope of restoration and blessing that followed Job’s painful trials.

    SECOND, although I knew intellectually from reading the book of Job prior to my suffering that I could not accuse GOD for being unjust, it was tremendously difficult to believe this. Especially when I was suffering so much emotional pain. And I as mentioned, the circumstances that allowed this suffering were in part for being obedient to GOD. So just like Job, I was tempted to charged GOD of being unjust (Job chapters 29-31). And just like Job I was tempted to conclude that GOD did not care about me specially because my situation was so unbelievable that I felt so alone, I felt that no one could understand me. So I found comfort in reading Job, and although his suffering was different, I somehow felt a connection to Job because Job thought and charged GOD of being unjust (Job chapters 29-31). In these chapters, we learn Job’s reasoning is that either GOD was unaware of what happened to him or that Job had inadvertently sinned and God was not willing to tell him what the problem was. Job thought he was being punished entirely out of proportion to any conceivable offense he may have committed. These latter two conclusions by Job, I could not relate because I knew well, I was not blameless and upright like Job. But being tempted to charge GOD for being unjust and not caring about me, was a real test of faith for me. Fortunately, this was precisely what I thought the goal of my trial was all about. A testing of my faith. Will I charge GOD of being unloving or unjust just like Job? Or will I persevere in faith? Fortunately, I had to constantly remind myself (sometimes several times a day) of the promises of GOD: that there is a purpose for all trials: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (James 1:2-4). I had to constantly remind myself of the blessings after Job’s suffering, that tremendous blessings await me if only I persevere in faith: “Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. “ (James 1:12)

    THIRD, God proved to me HE is a gracious and loving FATHER even when I accused HIM of being unloving and unjust. I wish I could say I did not accuse GOD of being unjust when I went through such emotional pain. In my mind I knew I had no standing to do so. But in my heart, I sure thought so. In the book of Job we learn that GOD is amazingly gracious when JOB accused GOD of being unjust GOD graciously agreed to be put on trial. Chapters 38-41 consists of GOD’s testimony in His own defense. I thank GOD he never changes and is the same today. Those moments when I have accused GOD of injustice, he has been gracious to me and has shown me how wrong I was. Thank GOD for the mercy of GOD who revealed truth to me and just like Job I had to say these words: “Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes” for being so arrogant as to accuse GOD of being unloving. (Job 42:6). That’s the whole point of the book of Job. GOD himself can select you or me or Job to go through severe injustice (Job 1:12) and do as HE sees fit and NONE OF US, even a blameless and upright man like JOB have any legal standing to accuse God of injustice. So if JOB had no legal standing how much more you and me who we know full well how disobedient and sinful we are despite of GOD revealing so much truth to us.

    FOURTH, I learned that the goal of my trial was not just a testing of my faith to see if I would accuse GOD of injustice. I already confessed I failed at that many times during and after my experience. Instead, GOD had much better plans. I actually discovered that you can have victory over the emotional pain that others can inflict on you. That the pain can finally go away. And this I was able to achieve through a teaching found in the book of Job. In all honestly, I could care less about the blessings to follow, all I wanted is for the PAIN to go away. If you are interested on the details of what I went through, the great emotional pain I suffered, the great injustice that was done to me, I would be more than happy to share them with you but in private in order to protect those who actually did such great injustice to me for we are called to love our enemies and love “covers” sins (1 Peter 4:8). This is also why I put my name “Anonymous” as some in our community are aware of what happened to me and I do not want to stir any bad memories from the past. All I can tell you is that it hurt me a lot and for a long time, even after many years went by. I thought that the pain would never go away so I looked at the book of Job one more time and I realized I missed something very important: It says in Job 42:10 that it was AFTER Job prayed for his ENEMIES and acted as a priest to them (42:8) that GOD began the restoration process. And I use the word “enemies” because although they were supposedly Job’s friends, they were leading Job astray and away from GOD because they believed in the false doctrine of “retribution theology” — that every act receives just punishment or reward in this present life, that we should be able to tell who is righteous or wicked by whether they are visibly blessed or cursed in this present life. So these so called “friends” of Job had been accusing him that Job must have sinned egregiously because GOD would not be so unjust as to let Job go through such tremendous suffering when he did not deserve it. Well, the whole point of the book of Job is that this is not true. Once again, the book of Job teaches that GOD can select you or me or JOB or anyone HE sees fit to go through tremendous pain. But there is always a higher purpose and restoration and blessing is sure to follow if we persevere in faith. So after many years had gone by after all the suffering I had gone through, my question was this: Why do I still feel pain? Will my pain ever go away? Is there such a thing as full restoration? And that’s when I began to read the book of Job again. I meditated on verse 42:10. And I realized it was AFTER Job interceded on their behalf before GOD and acted as a priest on their behalf, that GOD began the full restoration process. So I asked myself, have I forgiven the person that has hurt me to the point where I act as priest to them, in other words, that I consider the penalty paid in full by my savior? And I have said to GOD, not to hold any charge against them? Just like Stephen, the first Christian martyr prayed to GOD and acted as a priest to those stoning him for his faith in Acts 7:60?. And the truth is that although I had made every effort to forgive that person, I was not being the priest that GOD has called every believer to be. I still wanted GOD to somehow punish that person. I still wanted justice from God and in doing so I was not being what GOD has called every believer to be: a priest. In fact, Peter says “Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind…” precisely because we “ are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood, offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ” (1 Peter 2:1-5).
    So I repented for not being a priest, and not offering spiritual sacrifices on behalf of the person who hurt me so much. And all I needed to do is simply say this and mean it from my heart: “Father, do not hold what that person did to me against them. Forgive them just like you forgave me in Christ Jesus”. So I did. I began to not just intercede before GOD for that person, but genuinely pray often that GOD would bless that person in underserving ways. And in doing so, acted as a real priest to them before GOD and GOD restored me completely. The pain is now gone, I now fully understand that as servants of GOD we are to be redemptive priests even to those who hurt us deeply. So now I can attest that GOD DOES RESTORE to the FULLEST including getting rid of the pain of the past. While I would never want to go through it again, I am thankful to GOD for what I went through, I have a much closer relationship to HIM and praise my heavenly Father even more for the character HE built by the trial HE chose for me despite being so painful. Verses like Romans 8:28 “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose”, are not just mere words for me anymore, these promises of GOD are my life´s conviction. I am enjoying now the blessings that JOB experienced after his trial, enjoying life to the fullest with my great grandchildren despite them not even being my own blood grandchildren. In fact, the children of the very person who hurt me so much called me grandpa and have an amazing love for me that can only be described as a miracle from GOD. GOD is an amazing heavenly Father but HE does require us to persevere grueling trials sometimes if HE does see it fit that we go through them. But I can attest that if you continue to trust Him, even during His silence, even through tremendous emotional pain, even through unjust suffering, I can testify GOD will bless you beyond what you can imagine.

    In summary, I would like to answer your question: Did I see a loving Father and protector when I was going through my darkest hour? Of course not, neither did Job. But now in hindsight, I do see a loving Father and protector. Job also concluded the same AFTER all the pain he went through and AFTER he acted as a priest to his enemies.

    Remember, GOD wants to perfect you and me and mold us into the image of JESUS, that´s the calling GOD has for your life and mine. (2 Cor 3:18). And just like Christ was perfected through suffering (Hebrews 2:10), our faith is also perfected through suffering (1 Peter 1:7). GOD would be an unloving Father if HE had lied to us and told us we would go through life as Christians without suffering. In fact, GOD told us in his word that suffering IS the method HE will use to mold us in the image of Christ. (James 1:2-5 and Romans 5:4). So when we suffer, know that GOD is being the most loving father, because HE wants you to become like Christ even at the cost of great pain sometimes.

    I hope and pray this helps you with a different perspective.

    1. I appreciate this and although I read it with an open mind, I can’t honestly say that I have an open heart. I hope that is temporary. These are the very passages which used to help me in the past when I struggled with the story of Job. I appreciate you and your family.

  2. HI Becky,
    I have experienced similar feelings twice in my life when I have felt betrayed by the church and my so- called close church friends. In both instances what I came to realize was that the betrayal was done by broken, sinful, hurting people just like myself, NOT by the Lord. It took me a very long time to realize that the first time. In fact it was the reason I left the church for such a long time.

    But the fact of the matter is that even though it doesn’t feel like it at the time, the Lord promises to never leave us nor forsake us, and He is always as good as His word.

    When we think about the story of Job we have to remember that even though the Lord allowed an incredible amount of suffering to come into Job’s life, He did place limits on the suffering. He told Satan that he could not take Job’s life. What that shows us is that God was and is at all times fully in charge and involved in our lives even though many times it feels like He has abandoned us.

    And we must also remember that the Lord restored all that Job lost and gave him even more, so that at he end of it all Job was in a greater position than he was before he suffered.

    When God was dealing harshly with Job He was teaching Him that very lesson (that the Lord God is always in control). Statements like “where were you when I formed the earth” that the Lord God made to Job were showing Job that His ways are greater than our ways and remind us that the Lord God alone can see into the future and He alone knows what lies ahead. Job had know way of knowing and I’m sure in the pain of the moment would never have believed the goodness that the Lord had instore for him, and I know that He has good things in store for you as well.

    I hope this helps a little. I know that your Love for the Lord is deep and sincere, and I would just encourage you to keep on trusting in His goodness even though you may not be able to see it in the moment. He will never leave you nor forsake you either, and He alone knows what lies ahead for you.

    Debra and I love you and will be praying for you.

    Rabbi Turkowitz

    1. Thank you both. I can get over other “Christians” hurting me, I can’t get past my “Father” not answering me when I begged for comfort. When I believed His promise to be my strength in my weakest moments. I came to hear your preach when I was going through this and it was so hard for me to hear you preach about the Holy Spirit promising to comfort us when that was not my experience.
      I also always appreciate your words and your prayers.

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