Yesterday, I was writing a blog for roughly an hour when the screen glitched, cleared everything that was written and provided an error message. I was frustrated, appalled and then laughed as, what else could I really do? I am not sure I could recreate the entire thing even if I wanted to but I can remember and share some of the things I learned.
Rejection is a massive trigger for me. It is a massive trigger for most people with BDP(Borderline Personality Disorder), which makes sense as many of us also have traumatic childhoods. My earliest rejection was by my schizophrenic father on the day of my birth. It would continue throughout my childhood with many father figures. I remember praying for a father as a child but it just wasn’t “in the cards” for me.
I experienced rejection within my race, where I didn’t fit in. I experienced it within the African American communities where I grew up, the people with whom I felt most comfortable and at church where I was the “bad kid”. About eight years ago one of my childhood best friends got married and decided to move on with her life and reject my friendship altogether, along with the relationships with my mother and children. It was as if all the years we shared as a family meant nothing. I poured everything I had and was into this person and when I was no longer needed, I was discarded like yesterday’s trash.
It has always been a common factor for me but I also realize that I am the common denominator in these situations, thus the deeper issue is my rejection of self. This is also something I am exploring as I work through my BDP. However, being rejected from my Heavenly Father is more than my psyche can bear. I mean God loves everyone so I should be a shoo-in there.
Reality or Perception?
I guess the question is, did He really reject me? My definition of rejection is- being ignored, avoided or just cutting someone out completely. Good Therapy defined it this way-“Rejection can be defined as the act of pushing someone or something away.” I for sure feel all of these things.
So was God in fact rejecting me? Is He doing that now? To try and understand God, I will go back to the very story that disturbs me, the story of Job. Was God rejecting Job when He remained silent during Job’s great losses, his deep grief and grave physical suffering? I honestly don’t know, I would say yes if you asked me. The scriptures didn’t even address His silence other than to reprimand Job for questioning God. So, I am at a loss. I see rejection. I don’t see a loving Father or Protector in this story.
Perhaps one of you can help me out. Do you see a Father’s love or protection in what God did to Job. Actually, my real question is, do you see a loving Father in God’s silence and then harsh response to Job during his darkest hours? I need other perspectives here. I am hoping there is another way to look at this which I can’t see in this broken place.