I haven’t written a blog in years. In all honesty, I have no wisdom to share in this dark place. All I have are thoughts, really they are more like questions….ponderings if you will. I have come to question all I believed and even who I am now.
If who I was, was based on a foundation of certain beliefs and those beliefs changed, how can I not be shaken to my core? Do you stand still during an earthquake? Well I had a soul-shake if you will. Now, I could pretend and play the role of a godly person as so many do. But that’s not me. If I am honest, which I have always tried to be with these blogs, I didn’t want to share this season, in this way, for a few reasons.
First, I never want my doubts to affect someone else’s faith or walk or whatever. I also fear being attacked and rejected by the self-righteous religious folks who think they are doing God’s work. I used to be one of them and I know how defensive I would have been.
Here we are nevertheless. What do I believe now you my be asking? I don’t know, I am not sure. I am trying to figure that out. As of right now, I still believe in Jesus. I believe He was and is exactly who He claims to be. I believe in God but I know longer trust Him. I surely do not believe I am his child. I needed a protector, a comforter and I needed His strength. I called to Him in my weakest darkest hour, and what I got was silence.
That doesn’t sound like God to you, I’m sure. But Job got silence through most of his suffering, and I am no Job. I never claimed to be and never wanted to be. Here’s the thing, the story of Job never set well with me. Know why? Job 1″6 One day the sons of God came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan also came with them. 7“Where have you come from?” said the LORD to Satan. “From roaming through the earth,” he replied, “and walking back and forth in it.” 8 Then the LORD said to Satan, “Have you considered My servant Job? For there is no one on earth like him, a man who is blameless and upright, who fears God and shuns evil.”
Satan didn’t ask God if there was someone for him to torture, no this was God’s suggestion. God choose that sufferings for Job because Job was so faithful. That was his reward. I used to be ok with not understanding that…you know, His ways are Higher than our ways. But my heart, is no longer ok. Here’s the thing, I know who I am no longer, but I no longer know who I am. The word lost seems appropriate and to remain honest, I am not sure I want to be found. So, now it’s all out there.